Day 12–30 Days of Journaling for Self-Discovery: What forgiveness means to me
Today is day 12 of my 30 days of journaling for self-discovery challenge.
My previous post was about the times I’ve felt proud of myself and the skills and strengths I used; today, I’m talking about what forgiveness means to me, and if there is someone or something I need to forgive to move forward.
What does forgiveness mean to me?
Forgiveness to me, means choosing to let go of the things and people that keep me stuck in negative thought patterns so I can protect my energy.
I have forgiven people for doing some unforgivable things because, to me, forgiveness means letting go of things that aren’t mine to hold on to, as I know who I will become if I do.
Why do I feel this way about forgiveness?
Years ago, something happened that made me rethink how I viewed forgiveness. Until then, forgiveness meant ‘forgive and forget’, you forgive, and you move on as if nothing happened.
When this thing happened, I was hurt, confused, and angry. For a while after it happened, thinking about the event brought up feelings of sadness, anger, and an incredible hatred toward the person who had wronged me
At some point, it was as if a switch had been flicked. I knew if I didn’t let go of what had happened, I was going to let their negativity affect me, and I would end up being as angry and hurt as they were.
Why I choose forgiveness
I’ve talked about why I feel the way I do about forgiveness, I want to couch on what the situation taught me about forgiveness and why I choose to forgive others.
1: Forgiveness is about my happiness.
Holding on to pain, hurt, and anger results in far more harm to me than it does to the other person. So now, I choose to let go of the negativity that comes from being hurt and the emotional baggage that comes with it.
2: Forgiveness allows me to live in the present.
Choosing to let go of things, people, and emotions that don’t belong to me means I hardly ever think about them anymore, allowing me to live in the present.
3: Forgiveness is freeing.
Choosing to forgive allows me to move on without contempt, anger, or the need for revenge because it’s not worth it. I’m not going to lie, when the situation that changed how I viewed forgiveness happened, I wanted a time machine to go back and knock the other person out, but I knew it wouldn’t achieve anything.
4: Forgiving someone does mean condoning what happened.
Choosing to forgive someone and moving on does not make what happened okay. I don’t have to trust them or have anything to do with them again, and that’s fine.
5: Forgiveness can be done in silence
People don’t need to know they’ve been forgiven; it’s not about them, it’s about me protecting my energy and my mental health.
How I forgive
I’ve talked about why I choose forgiveness, I’m going to discuss how I come to a place of forgiveness.
1: Journaling
Journaling has been invaluable when it comes to processing my emotions. When it comes to forgiveness, I write about what happened and how it made me feel.
2: Talking about what happened
Talking through things with people I trust is important. I will either talk things through in therapy or with a close friend or family member.
3: Allowing myself to lean into my feelings and process my emotions
I allow myself to feel everything. I cry, yell, swear, and allow myself to feel angry. I acknowledge that everything I’m feeling is valid and that I don’t want to continue feeling this way.
4: Writing letters
I often write letters to the people I’m forgiving, without sending them. The letters are essentially a form of journaling, but they’re directly addressed to the person I’m forgiving. These letters outline how the situation made me feel and why I’m choosing to forgive them.
Once I’ve written a letter, I like to read it aloud before burning it.
5: Empathy and understanding
For me, putting myself in the other person's shoes provides insight into how, and why situations that require forgiveness happen. Often, when I do this, rather than holding on to anger and hatred, I tend to feel a sense of pity.
This doesn’t mean that I condone what they've done, it just means that I can understand why or how it happened.
Is there anyone I currently need to forgive to move forward?
Honestly, aside from myself? Not at the moment. When meditating recently, I chose to let go of a person who has caused a lot of pain. They're probably the only person I have ever hated. I did this because I know how much anger I was holding on to regarding their words and actions and how freeing living without their crap will be.
When it comes to forgiving myself, I see it as a form of self-compassion. It’s about acknowledging the times I have been unkind to myself and to others, the times I have self-sabotaged, and for believing untrue narratives. It’s about letting go of the negative thoughts and feelings I have attached to my actions without guilt.
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