Day 5–30 Days of Journaling for Self-Discovery: How I handle uncertainty

It’s Day 5 of my 30-day journaling challenge; today’s prompt is:

Have there been times that I have felt uncertain? How did I handle them? What did it teach me about myself?

Have I ever felt uncertain?

Of course! I don’t think I’d be human if I went through life without having moments where I was uncertain about how things would turn out or I didn’t doubt myself.

Over the past four years, I have probably been the most uncertain. Sure, they’ve led to the most growth, but also been through a lot.

• the end of my marriage
• moving to a different city, on a different island where I didn’t know anyone
• finding a flat
• starting therapy
• losing a job
• traveling (this involved a bit of solo travel)
• working out what to do with the things I wanted to keep when I decided to continue traveling

A photo of me from 2021

How do I feel in times of uncertainty?

I think how I feel depends on the source of the uncertainty.

I’ve come to realize that if I’m the source of my feelings I initially feel overwhelmed to the point that I shut down. It’s as though there’s a limit to the amount of stress I can manage; as soon as I hit that point my brain goes “Fuck this shit, I’m not dealing with this — bye!”

In moments like these, I experience feelings of being lost, confused, anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed, with the sense that there’s no way out of my current situation.

If I feel the source of my uncertainty is due to another person’s actions, my initial feeling is anger.

I’ve come to realize this is due to feeling unloved, not good enough, or unheard. Once the anger has dissipated I end up feeling overwhelmed to the point of shutting down.

Photos of different hairstyles and styles of clothing throughout the years

How Do I Handle These Feelings?

To be honest, I haven't always been the best at handling moments of uncertainty

Self-destruct mode

After shutting down and feeling as if I’m about to have a mental breakdown, I’ve usually become self-destructive. This is when I’ve drank and smoked heavily as a way of avoiding my problems. Spoiler alert, they don’t go away.

Controlling what I can

On a less self-destructive note, I also like to play around with style. That can be anything from changing the color of my hair to the clothes and accessories I wear (or wanting to get piercings and tattoos). Can someone tell me why it took so long to realize that in moments of uncertainty how I look is one thing I can control?! It’s not something I thought about until now, but it makes sense.

Journaling

I also journal. I’ve mentioned it here a lot, but journaling has been invaluable when it comes to processing my thoughts and feelings.

I’ve written about how uncertainty overwhelms me and leaves me feeling stuck and unsure of how things will turn out. My journal is a place where I write how I’m feeling because it’s always been easier for me to write how I feel as opposed to talking about my feelings

Here’s an excerpt from one of my journals:

As far as my current mindset- I am sick as fuck of things going wrong, of bad things seeming as if they are on brand, life lessons, and character building. This is NOT going to be my reality any longer. I can and I will change because

I have the power to change

I’m done feeling fucking hopeless

I am in control of my own life

Self-Compassion

I’ve tended to beat myself up when I feel uncertain — things are on brand and turning to shit because, of course, they would. I have realized that this way of thinking keeps me stuck. Instead, I need to focus on my strengths and abilities, showing myself kindness, and the amazing support network I have.

Here’s another excerpt from my journal, regarding self-compassion

I know that I am loved

I know that I am worthy

I know that I am more than enough

I know that I can do anything I put my mind to

Listening to my inner voice

I have found when I take the time to journal and show myself compassion (instead of going into self-destruct mode), it’s easier to hear my inner voice.

In these moments I will often find solutions to things I am uncertain about that seemingly come out of nowhere. They will be clear and I will often wonder why I hadn’t thought about them earlier

• moving to a different city
  I moved to a different city after my marriage ended. I felt as if had nowhere to go, and remembered my brother said I could stay with him for a bit if I needed to.
• finding a flat
  After I had stayed with my brother for a couple of months, I started looking for a flat to move into. I hadn’t lived with anyone else other than my partner for over 10 years and it was scary. Luckily I found an amazing flat with people who have become even better friends.
• traveling (this involved a bit of solo travel)
  I hate flying, and traveling long distance by myself scared the shit out of me. What if I didn’t know what to do or where to go? What if I lost my luggage? What if I made a fool out of myself and cried in public? These were the things I was most afraid of. Instead of focusing on the things that could go wrong, I focused on how amazing my trip would be.
• working out what to do with the things I wanted to keep when I decided to continue traveling
  I stressed about this for weeks. Until one night while sitting on my floor, I realized I could put my things into a storage unit. It seems obvious now, but I was so overwhelmed with selling things, packing, and traveling that the thought hadn’t occurred to me.

A wing shot from my flight into Guatemala

What Has Uncertainty taught me about myself?

Aside from seeing that I am far more capable than I give myself credit, I have learned the following things about myself

• I tend to self-destruct when I feel overwhelmed. I guess I always knew I could be self-destructive, but I hadn’t thought about it regarding uncertainty and feeling overwhelmed.
• I have the power to change my reality and that self-belief is incredibly important when it comes to overcoming challenges.
• Journaling and self-compassion make it easier to listen to my inner voice and navigate uncertain situations.
• Even when I feel overwhelmed I can problem-solve and find solutions to practical challenges that arise.

Conclusion

Uncertainty has taught me a lot about how I handle tough times and the strength I possess — especially when things seem hopeless. In moments of uncertainty, I’ve always found ways to tackle things head-on. It’s not always easy, but I’m learning to trust myself more.

My next post will be about the books that have helped me grow; I’m pretty excited about this prompt.

If you want to take part in this challenge, you can find the list of prompts here. All you’ll need is a pen and paper (or a computer, it’s up to you). I’m sharing my entries as my aim is for Hasn’t A Clue to become a safe space for growth, authenticity, and vulnerability where people find inspiration and a sense that they are not alone in what they are going through.

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