Turning 40: My Thoughts and Reflections Upon Entering Another Decade
I recently added Morning Pages to my morning routine. This morning as I wrote the date in my journal, reality hit me — in a week, I’ll be 40.
Honestly, the thought is fucking terrifying. Maybe it’s the uncertainties I have about where I am in life, maybe it’s that life hasn’t turned out as I had expected, or maybe it’s the occasional feeling I have of being stuck. Maybe, it’s of it all. Whatever it is, at times, I find myself battling a strong feeling of existential dread.
When I was a kid 40 seemed so far away and turning 10 was huge. I was entering double digits, I had been alive for a decade and was going to be a teenager soon. Now I’m coming up on four decades and I’m shitting my pants in ways I didn’t when I turned 20 or 30.
This feeling of dread has had me asking myself the following questions a lot recently
- what the fuck have I done with my life
- what have I got to show for it?
I guess I feel like this because
- I’m not married
- I don’t have kids
- I don’t have a home
- I don’t have as much money as I would like to have had at this age
Sometimes life (especially the last few years) has felt like an endless merry-go-round of life lessons and character-building; I’ve been through a lot.
- A divorce
- Several moves
- Selling a leaky apartment (and then still owing money on it, because it sold for less than what was owed on the mortgage)
- Needing to replace several broken phones
- Losing a debit card and having someone spend a shit tonne of money on it
- Losing a job
- A handful of traumatic events
With all that has happened, it’s easy to feel trapped as if bad luck follows me around, but I know that isn’t true. I’ve come so far over the last few years — the last week itself is evidence of how much I have grown especially in how I handle setbacks and shitty situations like tripping over cobblestones and fucking up my knees.
As tough as the past few years have been, they have taught me:
- Self-compassion
- The importance of gratitude
- Resilience
- That I am far more capable than I ever realized.
I’ve done and learned so much, I’ve met amazing people and realized that not only am I good at my job, but I’m good at connecting with people and building relationships.
I also know that I can do so many things I thought I couldn’t/wouldn’t do:
- Flying long distance/traveling alone
- Learning to drive(I still need to get my license)
- Learning to love myself
When thinking about how scary turning 40 seems, I’m learning that it’s not about what I haven’t done or focusing on the what-ifs or the things I feel went wrong, instead, it’s about focusing on and celebrating the small things that often go overlooked.
40 is only as scary as I allow it to be, it could be my best fucking year yet if I let it.
This year I’m choosing to focus on growth and experience rather than what I feel I lack, so let’s see where it goes…
Keep up to date with all things Hasn’t A Clue
- 💖 Click here to Get an email whenever I publish a new article
- 💖 Follow me on Threads
- 💖 Follow me on Instagram